Guilt Cycle

Right now, in this very moment, I am so grateful that I did not make a new resolution to blog more often, or with a higher consistency. This is simply because I am prone to guilt.
It is very simple. There are these little things known as expectations. Moms are great at this.
Picture this:

Mom: Hun, could you do the dishes? I expect them done by the time I get home.
Child: (eyes not moving from the television) **grunt**

What? What is that? That is a professional guilter, at their best. Let's examine this further.
It starts out with a question. Could you do the dishes? This may sound like you have an option but you don't. Do not ever ever think that you do, it only heightens the guilt.
Next, though they may not always use these exact words, moms give an ultimatum. Here is what they expect for you and the tone of voice signals how severe the consequences are, sometimes.

Now, if you obey or not determines your entrance, or lack thereof of the guilt cycle.

It comes in simple stages:
1. Lack of action - this occurs when a goal or task was previously established and nothing was done to help or hinder the accomplishment of goal or task
2. Ignoring of lack of progress - this is when notice is made in the area of the unaccomplished goal or task and instead of initiating action, it initiates purposeful ignorance
3. Attempt - with no action and ignoring well in place, that little voice in your head (if there are more than one, seek help) says that you should be doing something. Here there will be some movement done toward maybe doing something but, much like this sentence, it gets no where.
4. Consequences - this is the final stage in the cycle. This is when mom gets home or a deadline rushes past. The goal or task is far from done and now you must pay the consequence.


I can quickly and efficiently throw myself into this cycle.
So, I'm pretty glad I didn't make a goal about blogging.

Dreamweaver

While this is uncommon for many people, I remember my dreams. Now, this isn't every night but enough that I can recall many dreams to at least some extent.
In the past week I have had four dreams that I can recall. These celebrity studded, sub-conscience inspired "experiences" leave me wondering what they mean or how I came up with that.
Take the one I had last night. There I am, 20 years old and very single. Somehow I adopt a little baby girl. She was adorable with a head of dark hair. She didn't cry once as we drove around the valley.
We needed to get her a car seat so the only logical thing to do was to carry her in our arms as we ran errands, in which we would end up getting her a car seat.
Stopping at McDonald's for lunch, I held this girl in my arms. Suddenly, all around us there was a a gang fight. Hard core, things were going down.
In serious danger, I was left alone because even these hard core gangstas wouldn't harm a cute baby.

So if any of you out there know how to interpret dreams, give me a call.

Complete Mental Breakdown

I have decided, I want to have a complete mental breakdown.
The movies make it seem so good.
These people get a lot of flowers, stuffed animals, and warm words. Now they are in nice jackets and everything but that limits wardrobe choices. Anything to make life easier for the mentally unstable.
Another perk to having a mental breakdown. The new life choices that result are always ideal movie material. I could hop on the reality tv craze and make millions.
Then, when I have gotten things back together, the fame and money will go to my head and I'll shave my head. Or do Britney one better and do something even crazier.
That would be the life. . . ish.

Catch and Go

Last year I read a book called "Outliers" by Malcom Gladwell. This book talked not about the talent of those who have made it big in one way or another, but the lucky breaks they got.
I have never really been a believer of luck. I have always thought that if you work hard, you will be rewarded. I am scared to say that I think I might have an error in my belief system.
I mean, how do you get from point A to point C? You start at point A and can work to point be, but sometimes that point C does not mean working hard. It is being in the right place at the right time, networking, or just getting noticed by someone who wasn't looking for you but decided to make the initiative.
Not that I am rushing out to buy those lucky rabbits feet or search in fields for four-leaf clovers, I would just like a smile from Lady Luck. Even if I just get a good story out of it, that would be worth it. I would catch that smile and run with it, just give me a chance.

What I Got

All my life I have heard countless things, over and over again, compliments or more so comments from others about me.

I remember the first time someone said I was mature for my age. I asked everyone in authority in my life at the time what "mature" meant. (The mother, the father, the primary teacher) No one could give me a definition that I could understand.
So I took being mature for my age as a bad thing.

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I've got presence. I've heard that before, performance after performance as I have done many performances in my life. I've got presence.
It went like this, "You have a presence that, it, you, that, well. . . . "
Apparently, "a presence" isn't definable.
Unlike mature, I am not going to be offended, but like mature, I am going to be curious.
What does presence mean?
I don't want the Webster says on page gazillion and two definition but I want the context it is used in.

And, if I have a presence, where is my future?

Just a Man about a Fish

I have an amazing opportunity this semester to interview people. I am signed up for a class called I-Comm and with it I have the chance to be a reporter for the on campus news station. At the beginning of the semester I was assigned the Science Beat.

Joy.

Not only am I terrible at science but I have the job of finding something interesting to talk about it within the realm of the campus and my resources.

Week 1: I did a story about the fitness classes. Ok, health sciences is not technically under my jurisdiction but I made it work
Week 2: Planetarium. On campus there is a planetarium and it is pretty fantastic.
Week 3: Chemistry Society. I have some pretty great footage of a balloon blowing up.
Week 4: This is this week. It is about the aquarium.

You see, over the summer break, something happened and all the fish died. It was actually a very big tragedy as it was around 2 dozen fish found dead one morning when the person to check on them the night before knew they were ok.
I interviewed a man who loves fish.
It may seem ridiculous but I envy him. He has found his passion and is living that. He hopes to be a marine biologist.
I want that.
Not a fish, not a marine biologist, but a passion. Something I can grab on to and never ever let go. I want that constant, my north star.
But I guess until that day comes, I will keep wishing on those falling starts until one decides not to fall.

Fun Fact

You can bruise your eye. I did.